


How to Make and Keep Friends Using Nuclear Deterance

by GoggledMonkey



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Bisexual Steve Harrington, Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, I wrote this for me but hopefully others like it too, Internalized Biphobia, Slurs, mutual friend pining, queer solidarity, slurs are not used aganist anyone they are just thought of in passing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:26:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23045500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoggledMonkey/pseuds/GoggledMonkey
Summary: "What if I tell you something, to make it fair? Maybe you'd feel better if we have, you know, mutually preferred destruction.""What the hell are you… do you mean mutual assured destruction?""That the one where we both have nukes so neither of us shoots the other one?" When Robin nods he gives a jerky nod back and says, "Yeah, then that's what I mean."Or, Steve really wants Robin to be his friend and to trust him with the big stuff and he figures the best way to get that is tell her his secrets.
Relationships: Robin Buckley & Steve Harrington
Comments: 20
Kudos: 164





	How to Make and Keep Friends Using Nuclear Deterance

**Author's Note:**

> 1) I had to reference that Parks and Recs quote “When April was born I was already in third grade, which means if we were friends back then I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. Oh my god I could have killed her” because it was too funny not to use in regard to Steve.
> 
> 2) I haven’t written and posted a fic that wasn’t either for a gift exchange or a kink meme in -years-. Please enjoy a 100% self-indulgent fic!

"You know what we need to do?" Steve asks leaning against the counter where Robin is robotically slapping bright yellow 'Be Kind Please Rewind' stickers on the new video tapes.

"What?"

"Watch that Return to the Present show again," He knows the name. It's on the marquee hanging downtown but he does that sometimes, on purpose, mangle names of things to get Dustin to huff indigently, to make past Nancy smile indulgently.

"Back to the Future, dingus," Robin says but her lips twitch up even as she rolls her eyes so that's gonna be a win for him.

"Yeah sure, Back to Whatever. Thing is, there's no way that Alex P. Keaton's mom was trying to bang him. That had to be the drugs, right? They wouldn't put that in a movie for kids! We need to watch it again."

"Oh, we need to go, do we?" she asks with a can-you-believe-this-guy voice but there's no malice behind it and it's almost enough to make Steve do a celebratory fist pump because if Robin's whiteboard hadn't gone up in flames like the rest of Scoops Ahoy there would be a mark on the 'you rule' side.

They're on the closing shift so they just manage to catch the late show. Afterward, when they exit the theater it's dark and the slowly dispersing crowd leaving with them are the only other people on Main Street. All the nearby storefronts are closed, and the only light is the stuff puddling under the streetlamps, solitary yellow circles with oceans of black sidewalk in between.

There was a time in Steve's life when he didn't have an inescapable need to peer into every shadowy alley he crosses looking for shapes in the darkness but that's not his life anymore. Robin is a comforting presence by his side, somehow cool and unruffled by nightfall as she matches her steps with his.

"I told you," she says elbow triumphantly poking his ribs, "his mom was totally trying to bang him."

"Fine, fine, you were right. That movie's all kinds of messed up." He peeks over at her before saying, "It was funny though, I liked the part where he dressed like an alien to scare his Dad." Not that Robin wouldn't have known he thought it was funny. He'd let out a stupid bark of a laugh when the guy proclaimed himself to be Darth Vader a joke he'd never have found funny a few years ago because he'd never seen that Star Wars shit. Old Steve would never ever go to a stupid time travel movie and he'd never profess to enjoying something before carefully reading the room.

Robin doesn't take his profession to have enjoyed something like a vulnerability to exploit. She just bobs her head in agreement like liking movies and talking through them after you watched them is a normal thing. "Yeah, that was really funny. Even if it's weird that she was into him I liked his mom going 'oooh Calvin Klein, he's so dreamy'. But what was up with Doc and Marty? Marty's like our age, why is his best friend an old man scientist?" She turns a grin to him "but I guess you think being best friends with literal children is normal huh?"

"You're a literal child," he grumbles.

"Oh wow, you really got me, Steve, king of burns. How can I ever match your witty repartee?" she's still grinning when she says this toothy and self-satisfied. He can't not smile back; She's a pain in the ass but it’s the kinda pain in the ass that you want to keep around for some reason.

"What?" she asks because he didn't respond and is smiling at her like a dweeb.

The thing is, obviously Robin is his friend. She wouldn't have helped him get a job at the video store if she wasn't. There's a bond that comes from fighting monsters together that compels a person into being your friend. Or maybe not. There is, in there somewhere, a memory Steve buying a camera and not getting a friendship back that lingers in his body like heartache. But even if they aren't necessarily friends, when the world cracks apart and the monsters crawl out no matter what shit went down between the three of them, he trusts Nancy and Jonathan to have his back. Steve trusts those little shitheads too because there just is something that happens to people when they fight monsters together.

Still, he has this idea of a friend, the kind that you tell your secrets to, one who actually knows you and likes you despite every terrible thing inside which, ok it's a pretty unmanly thought and there's a nasty voice in the back of his head calling him a pussy for having it but he straight up ignores it because there's also a louder envious part inside Steve that looks at those little shitheads when they pal around each other that thinks how cool would that be to have friends like that. Steve's not so stupid that he'd deny that Dustin Henderson is genuinely his friend (in a very I hit demon dogs with a bat and nearly died of a fractured skull and all I got was this mouthy brat kind of way) but he's still five years younger than Steve. Not like he can bare his soul to a 13-year-old.

Steve thinks, he could be friends like that with Robin. Real friends. Like blood brother level of friends. He'd been trying, cautiously dipping his toes in the water of friendship where they could talk about real shit like she did on the floor of that bathroom stall, but he's been having lackluster success. He'd tried subtly to bring it up one time going as far to point out a cute girl who came into the store in the same light-hearted manner he'd talk about girls with a dude and every time Robin gives him a thin-lipped look of annoyance.

The problem is, he doesn't even know how you start talking about real stuff and he's worried that there's an invisible timer ticking away and if he doesn't figure it out quick she's just going to fade out of his life like everyone else has. Clearly, he needs to step up to the plate and start swinging or it's going to happen.

"Nothing," he replies and then he keeps talking because he's going to figure this out. He's going to get this right. "Remember, when we were high out of our minds on Russian drugs, and I was telling you about this girl? This cool, funny, smart, girl?"

"Steve," he hasn't worked out what he's trying to say but her voice sounds like she's figured it out before him and she thinks it's just awful. At her tone, his insides flip anxiously, and he needs to fix whatever he just did because her face falls in betrayal and she takes a step back from him like he's something scary. "Steve," she repeats, voice high, "this wasn't a date."

He doesn't get what she means and then he does and he steps back from her, widening the gap between them, "No. I know it wasn't. Shit! I didn't mean—"

"'Cause, 'cause," the look on her face is awful, pinched and cornered "things aren't ever going to be that way between us. It just won't."

"I know it wasn't a date. Jesus, I wasn't trying to trick you into a date." They're at his car now and she's still looking at him like he's Steve 'The Hair' Harrington king douchebag of Hawkins high, and she's worried what he's going to do next.

They're at his car and he's uncomfortably reminded that in the movie they just finished, the young hot version of Marty's mom gets pinned down in a car by a high school douchebag and Steve drove Robin here so obviously he'll drive her home but now it seems like he was trying to trick her, like he's sprung a trap that forces her into his car because he's a creep who can't understand a simple no. 

He takes another few steps so he's standing with the car between them and chooses his words carefully, "I get it Robin. I know you don't want to date me."

She's still suspicious, still frowning but looks less like she going to run out into the night away to get away from him, "Then why do you want to talk about what we said in the bathroom? We don't have to talk about it."

We don't ever have to talk about it she says with her tone. We're never going to talk about it she says with her stance.

Abort, abort the rational part of his brain screams because he's already fucked this up like the idiot that he is, but she says I don't trust you without saying it and it hurts his feelings so much he can feel it in his guts.

"Because I still like you," he says and it comes out snappy and dickish because hurt feelings always make him an asshole, "You said I wouldn't like you if I knew you but I do, I do like you."

It happens again. At his tone, she'd gone all tense and puffed up like she was ready to step into the ring and bash his teeth in but as soon as he says the words 'I like you' her shoulders are up to her ears.

And fuck.

"Not like that. I don't like you like a girl! Fucking Christ!" He kicks out at his car in frustration foot connecting with the front wheel but all it does is make a dull clunk and hurt his toes. "I meant I like you like a friend!"

"Are you…you just wanted to tell me I was your friend?"

"Yeah, kinda," he says humiliated by the process. He thinks that she's going give him a sarcastic oh thank you, Steve, for bestowing your friendship on me. Like he's some pretentious asshole who thinks everyone thinks he's hot shit.

She doesn't. She blinks for a second then glares, "Oh my god! Then why did you have to say it all serious like that? You asshole!" She makes a swipe for him but there's a whole car between them so she can't reach. "You're such an airhead!"

Well, that's not totally wrong and he shrugs sheepishly. "Sorry. I just wanted," I just wanted you to be my friend he does not say, "I just wanted to say, you know, about this girl who is the funniest smartest person and the guy, he's just, he thinks it's great. Going to a movie with you was great not because this guy wants to date you but because he I…" but he's not even sure what genuine emotional thing he wants to say. He winds up lamely saying, "It's great having a friend that's the same age as me."

"Yeah, but it might be a beggars can't be choosers thing since all the guy's other friends are all, like, twelve." That toothy grin is haunting the corners of her mouth threatening to return, "Because he's basically a weird old scientist."

"He's not like that, actually. This guy is really cool and if he were in that movie, he'd be Marty McFly. But…he likes that the girl doesn't just hang around him because he's old enough to drive or can sneak them into movies."

"You know, I think Marty's friends with Doc Brown because he's actually a nice guy underneath his dumb hair and he tried to fight Russians one time for him. Well, Erica probably is your friend for the free movie rentals."

"Oh god, are we friends with a ten-year-old?" Steve asks, horrified. He's mostly come to terms with being friends with the dweebs but when he was Erica's age she was basically a baby and if ten year old him had known her then he'd probably accidentally kill her.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure we are." Robin's relaxed now, smiling tentatively. "I like being friends with you too. Sorry I freaked out at you."

Everything has been salvaged and they can get in the car and argue about music and it'll end up being a fun night.

Except that she doesn't want to trust him with the big stuff and he feels bruised by that. He wants to be worthy of the big stuff.

So no more tip-toeing around he just says it, "What I wanted to say about this girl is that she's brave. Telling me what you did, about being—" he's not sure what word to use. He can think of one he shouldn't use but not the one he should. Lesbian maybe. Is that word ok? "what you told me about liking Tammy, that was brave."

She waves a hand at him, choppy and frantic like she wants to turn his volume down like she wants nothing more than to shut him up. "I had to. You were confessing your feelings and I…"

"But you coulda said that you only date smart guys. Or guys not wearing a fucking sailor suit. Or guys that didn't cry a bit when the Russians wouldn't stop hitting him. But you didn't do that. You told me about Tammy. And that's really brave because…"

He trails off because it's not like she doesn't know how you could destroy someone's life by labeling them a fag or a dyke.

"I wasn't being brave Steve," she says matter of fact like he's missing something very obvious, "I was high."

He hadn't missed it though. He has this secret that he could turn on her like a weapon and it wasn't fair because she hadn't meant to give him this secret. It only happened because she was all hopped up on truth juice because the Russian's wouldn't take Scoops Ahoy as an answer, because she'd stayed back with him to hold the door so Dustin and Erica could get away, because she'd helped him and Dustin track down Russian spies. Because she's cool and smart and funny and brave and he'd like to be brave too for once.

It's like a light-bulb clicking on inside his brain and he knows what words he needs to say.

"What if I tell you something, to make it fair? Maybe you'd feel better if we have, you know, mutually preferred destruction."

"What the hell are you… do you mean mutual assured destruction?"

"That the one where we both have nukes so neither of us shoots the other one?" When Robin nods he gives a jerky nod back and says, "Yeah, then that's what I mean."

"You don't need to—"

"I'm a little like you. I like girls—" distantly, like there's rushing water between her voice and his ears, he can hear Robin laugh brittle and mean because yeah, it's no fucking secret he likes girls. He'd been famous around school as a serial dater before Nancy broke his heart and it's not like Robin hasn't seen him flirt desperately with every hot chick that came into Scoops. Steve Harrington likes girls and it's not a secret; he likes the way they smell, and sound and feel.

And when you like girls, really like them, it's so easy to pretend that it's the only thing you like. You can ignore the other stuff, gloss over it. It doesn't have to be anything is the thing, because it's never real if he never acknowledges if he acts like it's something else, if he just calls it something else.

It was friendship for Toby Feldman back when Steve lived in Lafayette. They're both nine and Steve wants to spend all his time with his next-door neighbor, ride bikes with him, joke with him, run his hands through his soft curly hair.

It was jealousy of Roy Balshaw who'd been a senior and team captain when Steve made the basketball team because he's cool and strong and fast and everything Steve wants to be and that's why Steve can't keep his eyes off him on court and off.

It was guilt that caused the butterflies in his stomach when Nancy gives Jonathon Byers the camera Steve had bought and it's all he can do to seem normal and not pepper her with eager questions: Did he like it? What did he say? Did he smile?

It was fear clenching inside of him hot and sharp when Billy Hardgrove says Steve’s name too many times, stands too close to him in the shower, looks at him too intensely.

It's just really fucking easy to justify feelings away as long as you never acknowledge that you've noticed how soft a guy's hair looks, or that his eyes are ocean green in the sunlight, or that his fingers are long and elegant, or that his lips are lush and pink.

The final words, the big words, they have to crawl out of him, and they come out with a bad taste chasing behind them. He's spent a lot of time in the last few years running terrified with his mouth filled with blood and vomit so he ignores the bile and lets the words slide out, "But sometimes I notice guys too."

It's like instead of words he'd fired a gun because everything seems to have gotten so quiet in the aftermath except Steve's breathing which is now way too loud.

Oh, shit. Only now he has the clarity to see why Robin doesn't want to talk about it. The words don't give him relief as much as they stab terror into his guts making everything churn. Oh shit. You can't unring a bell, his dad likes to say but goddamn Steve wishes you could.

Her expression is unreadable. Steve holds a hand up at her to stop whatever she's just opened her mouth to say, thinks of saying ‘psyche’ or ‘just kidding’, or ‘please if you like me even just a little let's pretend I never said anything’ but nothing comes out except another ragged breath. He turns, keeps the car between them, and walks away to sit on the trunk. His arms feel shaky like he's just done too many push-ups.

She follows and stands in front of him but he doesn't look at her face. "Steve," he studies her red sneakers as she says this following the black marker scribbles with his eyes. The sneakers shuffle uncertainly scuffling against the pavement. "Are you are trying to say you're…bisexual?"

Is that what he's trying to say? Bisexual? He's heard that word before but it's only ever been about glam English rock stars living a whole different kind of life with money and fame and parties and drugs. That's not him, even old Steve was a small-town guy going to small-time parties where the hardest thing you can get your hand on is some pot. He's not some kind of sex-crazed orgy and coke guy. Bisexual. He's not sure what to do with this word she offering him. He's not sure he wants it.

He shrugs.

"Holy shit." She's quoting him uncertain but tone almost teasing. It's non-threatening enough he can relax, unclench, breath and so of course when his defenses are down that's when she punches him. Her fists are small but sharp. "Fuck you, asshole! Mutually assured destruction!?"

"Ow! Fuck!" he grabs his shoulder. "What the fuck Robin?"

He finally looks up into her eyes and her expression isn't unreadable anymore; it's a goddamn Little Golden Book and it says: this girl is fucking pissed. "You think I'd ever tell someone what you just told me just to hurt you? I would never do that to anyone. You think I need a nuke for you?"

"I don't know what else to do! You're the one who keeps acting like I'm going to tell everyone about you." He can't help the hurt that creeps into his voice. "Why the fuck do you think I'd do it to you huh?"

She takes a breath, shallow and shaky, and sits beside him.

"I didn't think you were going to tell. Not really." Robin draws her legs in and looks off into the night. "I know it's the stupidest thing, the whole world was pulled out from under me and all I could do when I got home after was stare up at my bedroom ceiling and think about what I told you. We were captured by evil Russians and were almost eaten by a giant meat spider and all I could do was think what would happen if you told Tammy? What if you told my parents?"

"I wouldn't," he protests.

She ignores him not in a mean way but like whatever horrible scenario she's imagining has captured all her attention, "What if everyone from school found out? It was like…you know in The Scarlett Letter? How Hester Prynne has to stand in front of the whole town and they sew that A onto her clothes? Like that. Everyone would look at me and everyone would know. I just couldn't… Then you weren't even weird about it. Not really. But there was a ticking time bomb to when you were going to say something mean or gross and I thought it be better if we just acted like it didn't happen."

"I won't tell anyone. And I know you're not going to tell about me." He imagines for a second if she did tell like his dad and it's so awful a thought he duct tapes it into a box and shoves it far into the back of his mind to never look at again, "We're not supposed to use the nukes. That's the point. I just…shit Robin, I just want you to trust me."

"I've never told anyone about being a…" she takes a second and then says "lesbian" and the word hangs in the air between them the same way 'bisexual' had like a neon sign bright, glowing and impossible to hide near.

"Same, about my thing. But you probably figured that out." 

"Yeah, I'm pretty smart you know."

They both trade smiles.

"So," Robin says after a moment of quiet, "what kind of guys do you notice?"

"What?" he squeaks.

"You said you wanted to be fair and I told you about Tammy," She's talking stern and logical but her eyes glint in amusement and Steve-- He hasn't let himself be uncomfortable with locker room talk ever, guys could say whatever fucking filth they wanted he never let it affect him because he's too cool—Steve's face feels hot.

"I…I," he stutters feeling like a stupid virgin.

"Tommy H?"

"Fucking no not Tommy H!" Steve says offended to his very core.

"Sorry," Her shrug's a 'what-can-you-do' thing and she doesn't look at all sorry, "What would I know about guys? And hey, maybe huge douchebags are your type."

"They're not."

“What about what’s his face from the movie? Micheal J Fox?”

“No!” he snaps annoyed with this suggestion only because it’s a little too on the nose (but like, could anyone blame Steve for finding him sorta hot? The man’s in a movie! It’s not weird).

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I get it. I really do." She knocks her knees gently into his and he gets drunken desire to lay it all at her feet, see if she still likes him after he uncovers everything.

"Johnathan Byers," he says finally giving her another secret and seeing what she does with it.

What she does is give him a cartoony bug-eyed look before throwing her head back with the most awful glorious cackle like she's the Wicked Witch of the West. "What the fuck Steve!" she shrieks, "And you razzed me about Tammy!"

"Fuck off! There's nothing wrong with Byers."

"Yes, there is! He's pretentious and spooky."

"You shut your cake hole with that spooky shit," he kicks her, "He is not any of those things! He's a nice guy. You've seen him fight monsters!"

"So what?! That doesn't make him not pretentious about photography and a music snob who thinks he's better than anyone who listens to Cyndi Lauper. Plus, he's so quiet it's creepy."

"Yeah but that makes him, like, mysterious."

"Jesus, do you hear yourself?" Robin cocks her head, "Isn't Jonathan Byers dating Nancy now? Nancy Wheeler. Your Nancy?"

Steve dies from the absolute embarrassment of it all, "Yeah."

"Holy shit Steve. You're a fucking disaster."

"You still wanna be friends even though I'm a disaster?" He's joking but his voice comes out too soft and sincere and he squirms.

"I mean if anything, I want to be your friend more because I'll look so cool and put together compared to you."

"Shut up."

"I'm going to win prom queen now that's how awesome I'll look compared to you."

"Yeah, I get it. You're hot shit, Buckley."

She laughs loud and obnoxious and it's the greatest sound. She leans back on her elbows and looks up at the sky kicking her feet out as she does. "It's uh, really dark and creepy out. Do you uh, do you wanna hang out at my place for a bit? My parents are definitely asleep by now and if we're quiet, they'll never know I had a guy over. We can like, talk about boys and do each other's hair." At the last bit, she starts doing a goofy valley girl voice but it doesn't quite cover the hesitation to the question like she thinks Steve's going to laugh at the offer.

"Sounds great. You definitely could use my hair expertise," he tugs at a loose chunk of hair that’s escaped her messy ponytail. "Luckily we have time to work on it before prom."

"Oh, as if I'm going to prom," she scoffs sliding off the car and heading for the passenger seat.

"Why wouldn't you go to prom?" he asks once they're both inside utterly confused by the notion.

"Why wouldn't you go to prom?" she repeats in an unflattering version of his voice. "Steve, if we're going to have each other's nuclear launch codes and be best friends you're going to have to work on understanding how much high school sucks for people who are not you."

She acts like he's never had shit go down against him at school and that's so not true but his brain catches on her saying the words 'best friends' and he's overwhelmed feeling very much like a soda can opening after getting shaken: Overflowing with sugary fuzz. The smile he gives her is too soft and gives too much away but he can't stop it or the dumb eager head-bob he gives along with it.

"Sure, sure," he says. "I learn whatever you want. That's what friends do."


End file.
